Yesterday marked 365 days of continuous sobriety for me. I am beyond grateful.
There are so many things I want to say about this day. I feel compelled to throw out clichés like “I can’t believe I’m here,” or “I never thought this day would come,” because there were absolutely times over the course of this journey that a year sober seemed absolutely impossible. But the reality is that ever since I realized I was an alcoholic and needed sobriety, every day that I’ve spent sober has been a step towards this day, one month, one day, hour, minute and second at a time.
This is the culmination of the hardest work I have ever done in my life and I fought like hell against and then eventually for every moment of it.
I am more elated than I have words for to have finally made it.
On this day I am, as I so often experience, overwhelmed with gratitude. I’m so thankful to have received the gift of sobriety and hope that I will never forget the blessing that has been bestowed on me. For to forget it would be to take it for granted and having seen how fleeting it is, I can never afford to take it for granted ever again.
I’m at a loss for what to say to those who have been a part of my journey. This is in part because I’m not yet at the point of my program where I’m able to selflessly apologize for my wrongdoings and and because saying thank you doesn't go far enough, it is also because there really is nothing else I can say at this point.
Over the course of this process I’ve said and done everything, made and broken every promise, earned trust back and destroyed it to a point where I know that the only thing that means anything is action, the action I take every day I stay sober.
The respect I’m finally showing now that I know how to do better, the living amends that I am making, they are more powerful than anything I could possibly say or put into words.
But as my words gain their weight back, as I rebuild the trust and thank god for the second chances I have been given, I’d be remiss to not also express my gratitude for those who had to dig deep and make the challenging decision to distance themselves from me. The brave action they took in protecting themselves, even when it meant setting a difficult boundary with me, is something that I will always admire and learn from. It almost feels unfair that those who distanced themselves for self-preservation are in this way giving me yet another gift, but again, by honoring them in my sobriety I hope that I’m showing my gratitude in ways my words and actions in active addiction never did.
Many of us learn in treatment that our chances of long-term sobriety increase exponentially when we make it to the year milestone. While it took collecting every lesson along the way, I’m so grateful for all the hard ones that made this possible. I will carry them with me into the future, well aware of the fact that this gift I received is something I have to work for, for the rest of my life. Moreover, I’ll know that this gift is worth the work, because it is the work that has given me the greatest gift of all: my life.