I’ve been so public about my story and open with my diagnosis and sobriety that going quietly into the night didn’t feel right at this juncture. So here I am, tears in my eyes, writing a blog about resigning from my job at Penn State University.
I actually started this blog the day I put in my official email of resignation two weeks ago and it’s been sitting on the shelf as I fought through lots of tears, grief and self-pity. It stayed there as I struggled with making the plans to go clean out my office (thank you Blake for taking that one off my plate.) It remained as I tried to pretend last week was normal when in reality I was welling with panic as April 15th came closer and it became, terrifyingly official. And I opened it and tried writing it through tears on April 15th when I got a final email that my account was being shut down and the reality existed: I no longer work for Penn State University.
And here I am. Writing to you as I continue to be heartbroken over that fact.
The decision, in the end was mutual, and amicable with Penn State graciously accepting my meager email that at the advisement of my medical professionals, I would be resigning from my position prior to my leave concluding at the end of April.
I feel like I’ve been moving through the phases of grief: anger, bargaining, denial, etc. ever since I went on leave back in March.
Because I really loved this job. And I really didn’t want to let it go.
Located in our hometown of Media, PA, less than a 20-minute commute from the home we were building, the Penn State job was better paid than the church, something I needed considering the amount of debt I am still carrying from before I got sober.
It also boasted generous tuition benefits and awesome health insurance, two things I desperately wanted (dare I say… needed) that the church, unfortunately, could not offer. Yes, the church had health insurance, but it was actually a scholarship that had been paying for my continued PTSD therapy while I’d been working there. With the Penn State benefits, I could finally graduate to receiving this care through my insurer, a huge move in the right direction for me. Not to mention the tuition benefit… I’ve always wanted an advanced degree, and when I joined Penn State I told myself that I’d make myself wait a year to get settled in before pursuing my master’s degree. I was eager to become a Nittany lion so I could join its mafia-like network of alumni and add another family to my roster. It was especially appealing to me as an SLC Grad, having never had a real football team to root for at the collegiate level, I was ready to join the cult known for its echoing chants of “We Are!” across Pennsylvania and let’s be honest, the world.
I absolutely loved the work I was doing for the university and the organization and I think it speaks volumes to the kind of organization Penn State is, that I was able to pursue and carry out of the caliber of work I was doing while I was there. I was writing stories about incredible people on a daily basis, getting to report in the ways I loved, utilizing my journalism skills for good in the form of creating positive press for a university system I believed in and began to bleed blue for, #WeAre. I was even developing a new TikTok channel that would allow our little team to cover all events on campus like real news stories, a sort of quick turns for TikTok format I was developing that would have allowed us a massive presence on the channel without too much of a unique lift for the platform. I was really excited about everything that was coming down the horizon. I worked with the best team of kind, driven individuals and more closely in a trio of three with a boss who was reteaching me what it meant to be phenomenal at your job, while maintaining a healthy work-life balance.
For all these reasons Penn State was the perfect fit for me. And yet this week, after less than four months at the post, I resigned. Reluctantly becoming part of the great resignation that’s making waves and headlines, but I guess that’s why I felt the need to throw this blog post out there. To say that this isn’t some “great resignation,” and I’m not some job seeker fresh on the market looking for something better with a higher salary and unbelievable benefits, it’s to say that I’m heartbroken about leaving my last job and to ask for some time as I mourn this monumental loss in my life. Because it is a monumental loss.
We live and work in a world where our jobs are so closely ingrained with our identities that it would be impossible for me to try to move on from this without acknowledging it for the big moment it is and giving in the amount of time and grace that it, and I need, before moving on.
I came of age professionally in a time where what you did defined who you were. I have been Amanda Ota, White House Intern, National Online News Reporter and Government Affairs Coordinator. I have also been Amanda Ota alcoholic, and am adjusting to my newest title of Amanda Ota, Bipolar I.
But today, as I sit here writing this I’m not concerned about any of those titles. Because I’ve finally learned that who I am isn’t measured simply by the fill-in title on my LinkedIn or what the lower third will say when I go on CNN someday. For once in my life I’m finally concerned about me. And right now, the last thing I need to be thinking about is anything but which Pilates class I’m taking on Wednesday and which therapy appointment I have coming up first. And that’s okay.
What I’ve struggled with my entire adult life has been defining who Amanda Ota is, without the title behind the name. For the first time in my professional life, I’m going to take the time to work on who that its, first and foremost and with intention.
Yes, I’m afraid that admitting this might impact my future career prospects, but in case future employers are ever curious, this is why there’s a gap in my resume after a short stint at Penn State University in the spring of 2022, this is it:
In March of 2022 I suffered a mental breakdown due to undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I spent a week and a half hospitalized to get myself stabilized and then went on a month-long unpaid leave of absence from work. During that time I relocated to Boston, Massachusetts where I can be in longer-term care with health providers who have been with me since before I got sober and closer to the family I need by my side during this difficult period.
Penn State and I worked tirelessly to try to find a reasonable accommodation that would make it possible for me to keep my job in Media, PA, but ultimately my healthcare professionals recommended I resign my position and stay in Boston for continuity of care. While I’ll ultimately lose my healthcare along with my position, thankfully Massachusetts worked out this whole healthcare thing out years ago and I am the process of applying to receive Mass Health.
As of writing this, it’s too soon for me to be returning to work. Because of the way I tend to throw myself into the positions I hold, I need to take some time this summer to rediscover my identity outside of who I am as a professional. So with that I’m resigning for the summer, just to be whoever I need to be to do the work that I need to do so that when the time comes, I know I’m putting my right foot forward.