I have drinking dreams sometimes
Drinking nightmares, I call them.
They’re dreams in which I take a drink and all hell ensues. Actually, more often than not, in these dreams I’m cognizant of having drank, but never actually take the drink in question.
That doesn’t stop me from suffering all the fallout of drinking in my dream. Not long after I supposedly drink, the repercussions roll in and I’m dealing with the fallout of a full-on relapse. This is usually when I wake up, typically covered in a cold sweat, relieved to be sober.
Last night’s dream I was back in the house I grew up in, drinking a vodka cranberry and weighing the consequences of that drink for my family. The consequences felt as real as the ones I used to face, the shame and remorse so unbearable that I questioned if I'd be able to continue on after yet another failed attempt at sobriety.
And then I woke up.
The official term for this type of dreaming is "vivid dreams." And, as Science Daily reports, "vivid dreams involving drinking and drug use are common among individuals in recovery."
Phew I'm not a weirdo.
"A study from the Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH) Recovery Research Institute, published in the January issue of the Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment after online release in October 2018, finds these relapse dreams are more common in those with more severe clinical histories of alcohol and other drug problems."
Given the severity of my alcoholism, I guess it's not surprising that I have drinking dreams.
They used to be far more frequent when I was in early sobriety, but I'm surprised by their ability to stick around even as I celebrate milestones like my two year anniversary.
Yes, I've been sober for 2 years, three months and 18 days.
Some people in the support program where I got sober say these dreams are a warning, a sign that you need another meeting.
I chose to take them as a cautionary flag, a gentle reminder to tune up my program and call my sponsor.
By writing about them, I'm hoping to call them out of the shadows of my fears and keep them from being an evil little secret that lives alone in my brain.
I already feel better as I dump the memory of these dreams from my mind onto this page, exposing them to the light and watching them melt away.
With these dreams out of my head, hopefully, I'll sleep a little better tonight.
