The Truest Most Beautiful Life

What is the truest most beautiful life you can imagine?

It’s a question Glennon Doyle poses in her book “Untamed.” A book which I first read back in September and have used a sort of life manual ever since.

Since the fall I’ve been fortunate enough to live the truest, most beautiful life I can imagine. Today, I'm finally ready to share it: My name is Amanda and I’m an alcoholic. My truest, most beautiful life is one in recovery.

This photo is from the bottom of my active alcoholism.

The only word that comes to mind when I look at myself there is “broken.” At the time I took it I was only beginning to face the reality of my addiction. I don’t know why I took this photo, but I’m so glad to have it as a reminder of where I started this journey. When I took it I promised myself that if I could ever look back at it and know I’d had emerged from its ashes a stronger woman, I would be brave enough to share it.

It’s taken over three years. My recovery has not been linear, neat, or easy. The struggles I’ve experienced over the past 36 plus months are not something I would wish on my worst enemy. They’ve included years of turmoil, lost relationships, betrayals of myself and others, five rehabilitation centers, three intensive outpatient clinics, two emergency hospitalizations and more heartache than I can even measure. I ache to think of the damage I’ve caused and the harm I’ve done, but thankfully I’ve learned that there is a solution and am able to live in it today.

I’m not pretending like I’m in any way finished, absolved or cured, my journey is only just beginning. Three years into this process and I’m still only in early sobriety. This month, which happens to be Alcohol Awareness month, I’ll celebrate seven months of continuous sobriety. It’s a special milestone for me, because it marks seven months since I got sober from the relapse that almost ended my life. For me, what’s also beautiful about this moment is that I finally feel ready to open up about this part of my life. I’m ready to share it as freely and openly as I share my spin routine of baking projects.

My Instagram has long-been a place where I participate in the sober community, and I’ve carefully hidden who I’m following for years in fear that anyone would discover my secret. A laughable endeavor, since anyone who has ever seen me drink most likely knew I was an alcoholic far before I was able to admit it. Regardless, I’ll be sharing a lot more openly on there and if you’re interested in my writing, my experience and of course your regularly scheduled dog and baking content, I encourage you to follow me at : amanda.ayako. In addition, I’ve created this home for all my writing, so I can stop posting small novels in Facebook posts and have a safe space to call my own. Here I’ll post about my journey in sobriety ,but also so much more. The best way I can describe this site is “writing, thoughts, bits and pieces.” Much like my sobriety, it isn’t just about not drinking. It includes where I’ve been, where I’m going and everything in-between. But most importantly it’s a place where all these words I have swirling around in my head can rest.

If you’re still reading, thank you, for honoring my truth. I’m so grateful to anyone who is still in my life at this point, because I know how challenging I have made it. There’s so much growth and repairing to come, but getting honest is the first step in this very long road.

Thank you for letting me start there today.