Anyone who has ever heard my phone ring knows I am obsessed with the 90s television drama The West Wing. I’m so obsessed with the series that its lovely intro by W.G. Snuffy Walden has been my ringtone for the past ten plus years. It’s actually a small miracle I haven’t brought up my WW fangirl status on my blog before, I’ve written in references many of times but later edited them out in an effort to tighten a piece up or to avoid going down what is an assured rabbit hole of Sam Seaborn references and President Josiah Bartlett quotes.
But today, I’m letting my nerd flag fly and writing this blog after a West Wing favorite questions: what’s next?
This past week I have had the most amazing time celebrating my anniversary. The love, gratitude and big feelings are more than I have words for (as evidenced by the shortest blog I have ever written marking the actual day.) It’s been such an amazing week celebrating this milestone and I could not be more thankful to everyone who has helped me celebrate. I keep expecting to wake up from some sort of dream, but here I am. And you know what I’m learning after day 365 of continuous sobriety? That day 366 is even better, so is 367 and so on and so forth.
Last week one of the friends I met up with in Boston was a guy who has had long-term-long term sobriety, the stuff of multiple decades that by the grace of god, one day at a time, I’ll get to myself. He told me that as long as I stayed sober, my life would continue to keep getting better.
It seemed unbelievable to me… how could the truest most beautiful life get any better? But so far, the universe continues to best itself. That’s not to say days aren’t days, with their realities and setbacks and normalcy. All that considered though, this sober life continues to keep getting better one day at a time.
Yesterday was an exceptionally good day. There was a PUPPY in our office. Having had an especially productive morning, I was ready for floor hangs and lots of trips outside to play with the perros. I had one of my favorite meals for lunch. I came home and made up the hour of writing group I missed due to the puppy’s arrival. I made us a healthy and delicious dinner, and then followed-up that healthiness with a good dose of ice cream and a homemade cookie because let’s be real I’m not all that healthy.
Sitting here, basking in the goodness that is my sober life, the question of What’s Next isn’t a daunting one. It’s an invitation. If one year sober has given me this much already, I can’t wait to see what I’ll earn next.
This morning I sat down with my Legend Planner (not sponsored content, I’m just obsessed with my planner) to do my monthly review. I was reminded by how tough the end of August was for me, because I actually hadn’t done a monthly wrap-up for it and as a result didn’t set any goals for September!
Plus if I’m being completely honest, I treated September differently knowing it was my last month of my first year of sobriety. There have been a few things I’ve given myself fa pass on during this first year. While fighting for my life, going through intensive therapy, working full time and just staying sober I’ve been gentle with myself in other areas. My ice cream consumption has been a perfect example of this. I’ve probably eaten more ice cream in the last year than some people have eaten in their entire lives. But in the grand scheme of things… eating an abundance of ice cream was nothing if it meant I was staying sober and kicking ass in other areas of my life.
Basically I gave myself a free pass for the last year when it came to anything other than honesty, self-improvement and my alcoholism. Now I’ve decided it’s time to start integrating a bit more discipline into other elements of my life.
What’s especially encouraging about this is that all the goals I want to accomplish: getting in shape, improving my Spanish an learning Japanese, becoming more financially responsible (time to start working on those house savings!) They all seem like completely manageable tasks, because if I was able to get sober, I’m confident I can accomplish anything I put my mind to.
So in my planner I set those goals related to objectives I want to accomplish. Looking ahead at October I also need to be realistic about what’s to come… because this month is going to be a doozy.
Next weekend we’re moving out of the apartment we call home and into an actual home! Blake’s brother recently purchased a house in an adorable neighborhood in our picturesque hometown and ready or not moving day is a week from today! The side of me that is grateful first can’t believe how lucky we are. Blake’s has gone above and beyond to make this house our home and dedicated a shit ton of time and resources to it. He gave us the master bedroom and hired a contractor to build us our own Master bathroom, letting Blake and I design it just the way we’d like it (complete with a Japanese block print accent wall which I could not be more excited about.) It’s going to be amazing.
Full disclosure though: I am intimidated this move. Even though this home is everything we could want and more, I wish I could fast forward past the icky moving part and get on with the being settled in and unpacked part. I think everyone hates moving so you probably get my apprehension.
For me the biggest source of insecurity is the disruption of normalcy. A creature of habit who would rather give up ice cream than go through change (don’t hold me to that…) the necessary flipping of ones life that comes with a move makes me a little nervous. I’d by lying if I pretended I was calm cool and collected about this whole move. In reality my anxiety upticks every time I walk into my apartment and think of how much we have to
do. I’ve been hoarding boxes from work and panic-purchasing moving supplies in the hopes that having all the right materials will somehow keep me sane throughout this transition. But of course now our l living room is overflowing with empty boxes and I’m anxious about where we’ll actually put the fully ones… It’s all a lot.
So while writing my goals and objectives for October one of the bigger ones I had was to make sure I maintain the routines that keep me sane, move or no move.
As much as I’d rather spend all day Saturday packing, I know it’s critical that I go to my weekly Saturday recovery meeting to keep my head on straight. Sure, it’s going to drive me crazy to not have my workout gear packed up and ready to go, but I’m going to save it for last because I need to make sure I’m continuing to exercise daily. It felt a little crazy having the Peleton Blake got me for my birthday delivered before we even have floors in every room… but I know myself well enough to know that I absolutely cannot go without a method of exercise for a week during an especially high stress time. To do so would risk spontaneous combustion.
As much as I’ve plotted and planned for every possible contingency, the best thing I can do to prepare myself is to take a deep breath and remind myself over and over again of the Serenity prayer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
The first part is something I need to repeat over and over.
Accept the things I cannot change.
This move, as my therapist and I often discuss is an AFGE: another fucking growth experience. This move is a fantastic thing and the best thing I can do for myself is not let it be ruined by anxiety or unnecessary fretting over things that I have no control over. So as much as I despise him for being right, I have to as Blake does so well, “roll with the punches.”
It’s fitting that I have this great growing experience teed up next, because it’s a great step forward in the soul work, self work, self improvement that I’m continuing. The biggest to-do on my list isn’t packing up the kitchen or picking out another area rug, it is to keep going. Just Keep Swimming.
So, what’s next?
Yes a move, cutting down on the ice cream and setting a new budget.
But the reality is that my greatest priority is continuing the critical work I have been doing on myself. I’m fortunate enough to have the opportunity to do this in two ways: through step work with my sponsor, and the continued one-on-one therapy I’ve been in since I got out of treatment. Both are going to be hard, uncomfortable work (I already hate the first assignment from my therapist… but I know it’s a good for me… pushing me out of my comfort zone and towards healthy change kind of hate…) but among the zillions of takeaways I’ve gathered so far in sobriety, one of the big ones I’ve seen over and over again is just how much the hard work pays off.
I’m so excited to continue on this journey, to “just keep swimming,” and to keep growing, maturing, healing and learning one day at a time.